


Peaches, cucumbers, and unwanted advice

by TheLadyOrTheTiger



Series: Awkward dorks in love [10]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Awkwardness, F/M, Humor, Relationship Advice, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2015-11-25
Packaged: 2018-05-03 09:34:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5285711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLadyOrTheTiger/pseuds/TheLadyOrTheTiger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cullen and Trevelyan's friends want them to be happy, and to make sure that they are, they offer them unsolicited sex advice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Peaches, cucumbers, and unwanted advice

Alissa was just taking her evening stroll next to a lake when she heard a suspicious rustling of leaves. Reaching for her daggers and quickly spinning on her heel, she came face to face with Sera.

"Ass. I thought I was going to give you a scare," the elf told her, sounding very disappointed that her plan failed.

"Excellent idea - jumping an armed woman," Trevelyan huffed, sheathing her blades.

"I do like that. Armed women. And jumping them." Sera waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Alissa just rolled her eyes in response.

"Did you wanted to talk or just frighten me?" she asked her would-be attacker.

"Both," the elf told her.

Trevelyan started walking again, and Sera followed.

"Josie said you wanted groveling, for the thing we did, with the bets about you and Cully and your naughty bits, yeah?" Sera asked.

"Something like that. But you're not the groveling type, so I wasn't expecting that from you." Alissa smirked.

"I don't grovel. That was a very nob thing of you to want," Sera admonished. "Giving the bet money to the folks in the Hinterlands was good. That saved you."

"Glad to know I have some redeeming qualities." Trevelyan chuckled. "You have to know that I wasn't expecting anyone to fall down on their knees and beg for forgiveness, that's not what I... do." She paused, trying to suppress the blush that was coming on when she remembered that once there actually was someone asking for forgiveness on his knees, and how enjoyable that was. "I just wanted to make you all squirm a bit," she finished quickly.

"'Cause you think what we did was wrong?" Sera pressed on, oblivious to Alissa's discomfort.

"Yes."

"You're too high and mighty to amuse us?"

"It's not that," Trevelyan protested. "It's just... private. What I do with Cullen. And it would be the same even if I wasn't the Inquisitor and he the Commander of my armies. But I'm not angry anymore. I understand that you care about me and Cullen, and that you were just having fun, and you understand that we want to be discreet and have some secrets of our own. Also, we don't have to sneak around so much now, so it all worked out in the end."

They walked in silence for a while.

"They all apologized, but I won't. I don't see we did anything wrong. Your precious privacy ain't that important," Sera declared.

"I would probably be disappointed if you apologized," Trevelyan told her.

"You would?" Sera scrunched her brows.

"That wouldn't be you. And for what it's worth, despite our differences, I like you the way you are."

"Good. 'Cause I like you too, Herald Stick up her Arse. You can be all right."

"I'll take that as a huge compliment." Alissa smiled at her friend.

"Don't get all mushy on me now." Sera made a face. "I found you here to ask if we can already talk about you and Cully."

"Talk?" Trevelyan wasn't sure what kind of talk that was going to be. "I suppose," she offered cautiously.

"You're happy, yeah?"

That was innocent enough.

"Very. I love him so much. I never thought this kind of feeling could exist outside of books," Alissa confessed.

"Love's good, I always say it's good, but it's not everything, right? Does he treat you right? In bed?"

And they were right were the Inquisitor was afraid the conversation was leading.

"He does," she stated simply. Avoiding the question would get her nowhere, so she opted for a short answer instead.

"Not very enthusiastic, are you?" Sera prodded.

"I'm not really eager to share the details. And Cullen wouldn't be either. Just believe me when I tell you that our love life is very..." It was hard to find the right word. In her mind Trevelyan saw all the things that transpired between her and Cullen, and felt herself grinning. "Very amazing," she concluded.

"Good." Sera also grinned. "But does he go down on your lady bits or is it just stick it in and done?"

"Sera!" Alissa exclaimed, scandalized.

"What? He's a Chantry boy, ain't he? Those can be weird - all Maker this, Andraste that, we'll go to the Void if we keep the lights on."

"I wouldn't think you had any experience with Chantry _boys_ ," Trevelyan tried to shift the subject.

"'s what I heard. And you deserve better than that."

"That's nice of you to say."

It really was oddly touching, Alissa decided.

"Sooo..." the elf pressed on.

"Don't worry. The lights are on and we do... all kinds of things." Trevelyan tried to be subtle and euphemistic. Cullen would be mortified if he knew that she had that kind of conversation with Sera.

"So he does munch on your lady bits!" Sera sounded relieved, while Alissa shuddered at her choice of words. "Is he any good at it? 'Cause if he's not I can show him how to do it properly. I'd just need a peach. A ripe one."

Trevelyan felt her cheeks burn with a fierce blush, and her eyes widen.

"That won't be necessary." Just the thought of Cullen watching Sera do some very inappropriate things with a peach was both hilarious and terrifying. He would be uncomfortable beyond measure.

"Wouldn't be a problem. I share my secrets with the Commander, the Commander does the Inquisitor right, the Inquisitor is happy, the Inquisitor fights better, we kill Coryphy-pants faster, everything's good."

Trevelyan busted out laughing at that.

"Really, Cullen doesn't need lessons," she finally managed to say, wiping tears from the corners of her eyes.

"You sure?" Sera sounded skeptical.

"Absolutely positive."

"If you change your mind, you know where to find me."

"I really appreciate the offer, but it won't be necessary," Alissa assured her.

"Your loss." Sera shrugged. "Race you back to camp?"

The elf was already sprinting as she finished the sentence. Trevelyan broke into a run after her. The quicker she was going to get to camp, the quicker she was going to be able to have a tankard of mead. She needed that very badly after the conversation she's just had.

* * *

 

It was several days later that Dorian offered to go on a walk with Trevelyan.

"I thought you weren't one for nature?" Alissa lifted an eyebrow at him.

"Not particularly, but I'd like to spend some time with you." He linked their arms and started walking away from camp.

"I always enjoy your company, but we could talk back at camp. You don't have to force yourself to brave the wilderness with me," she told him.

"I thought we might use some privacy," Dorian suggested.

"Should I be worried?" Alissa felt uneasy. Did something happen with Dorian's father? Or maybe Dorian was sick? Or was it a problem with the Venatori?

"It's nothing bad," he assured her. "I've just heard that the ban on talking about you and Cullen has been lifted."

"You've been speaking with Sera?" Trevelyan just hoped the elf didn't share her great idea about peaches.

"We do chat from time to time. And if she can talk about it with you, then I think I'm also entitled to do it."

Alissa sighed.

"Get it out of your system."

"You love each other a great deal, that's obvious. And I'm very happy you're together."

Trevelyan felt relieved. If that was all Dorian wanted to talk about, then she was more than glad to gush over how wonderful Cullen was.

"I just want the two of you to enjoy each other to your fullest potential," Dorian continued.

And there it was, exactly what Alissa dreaded.

"We do enjoy each other, often and vigorously," she tried to cut the subject off.

"I know that you're not very experienced, so if you wanted to, I could give you some pointers," Dorian offered.

Trevelyan let out a frustrated breath. Dorian didn't know precisely the depth of her inexperience, but from their conversations about her boring social life in Ostiwc, and the fact that she didn't leave a lover behind or spoke of anyone special in her life before the Inquisition, he could probably guess that she wasn't a worldly woman. Now she wished he didn't have that knowledge.

"It's sweet of you to offer, but I'll pass," she told her friend gently.

"Don't be a prude, we all need to learn somehow."

"We do, and I like to learn by trial and error," Alissa said firmly.

"Wouldn't you prefer to just know what you're doing right away?"

"I think I'm doing quite well, thank you very much."

But was she? A doubt crept into her mind. Cullen never complained, but that could be because he didn't want to hurt her feelings.

In the end, even if she was doing something wrong, she would prefer to ask her lover directly and then try to improve with his help, rather than discuss such matters with Dorian.

"There are things you can intuit, but others require precise technique, finesse, practice. We could find the right size cucumber and start our lessons," Dorian went on, unrelenting.

Trevelyan almost choked at his words.

"No. No no no. No cucumbers. No lessons," she declined forcefully.

If Cullen knew she was picking out appropriate vegetables to represent his... No. This was too much.

"Don't be so squeamish, Alissa," Dorian chided.

"Do you want the ban on speaking about my relationship to return?" she threatened.

Dorian sighed dramatically.

"Fine then. No cucumbers. For such a smart woman you really are terribly averse to learning. Which is doubly odd since you could have such a talented and charming teacher."

"Just take me to camp. I need a drink," Trevelyan told him.

* * *

 

Another few days passed more or less uneventfully. No one offered any fruit or vegetable related advice, for which Alissa was grateful. She was very glad Bull wasn't with them. She shuddered to think what kind of information he would wish to impart on her.

When Cassandra found her reading in a clearing away from camp, Trevelyan started to worry.

"You're not going to question me about my sex life, are you?" she asked, her voice slightly strained.

"Why would I?" Cassandra sounded puzzled.

"It's just... Sera and Dorian have been... trying to be helpful," Alissa explained.

"By asking about what you and Cullen do?" Cassandra demanded, sitting down next to Trevelyan.

"They wanted to pass some of their knowledge onto me and him, to demonstrate things, on peaches and cucumbers."

Cassandra looked confused for a second, then comprehension dawned on her and she cringed.

"You turned them down, I assume?" she asked.

"Obviously. That would be just too... weird, uncomfortable, and downright mortifying. Especially if I'd have to pick out the cucumber."

"I don't want to know anything about that. You're my friend, and Cullen is my friend, and I don't want to think about you two in bed. And I very much don't want to know anything about cucumbers that would imitate... No. There are lines in friendships that should not be crossed." Cassandra nodded emphatically.

"I'm glad you understand that. I care for Sera and Dorian a great deal, but that was just too much."

"I understand perfectly well. You're happy together, that's plain to see, and if there was anything you'd need to work out, you'd do it together. Not that I think there is. Especially since I've... Never mind." Cassandra stopped, waving her hand dismissively.

"What is it? You can tell me things," Trevelyan assured, worried and yet curious.

"One night I wanted to talk to Cullen about something or other and I've... uh... heard the two of you," Cassandra managed to say, looking anywhere but at her friend.

Alissa bit her lip, feeling a flush creeping up her neck.

"I might be a bit loud at times. Especially now, since I'm not trying to hide it so much. I'm... sorry?" she offered, not certain what she should say in such a situation.

"Don't be. I'm glad you're... happy with that aspect of your relationship as well. I just don't want to be a witness to it. But it was my fault really. That taught me not to walk near Cullen's tower late at night."

Trevelyan let out a nervous giggle.

"I hate to break it to you but the tower is not the only unsafe place, and night is not the only unsafe time. Though I do try to keep it down during the day."

"I think I've heard quite enough." Cassandra got to her feet. "I'm not sure if it's good that I know that, and can be more cautious, or if I'd prefer to live in blissful ignorance."

Alissa felt a bit sorry for her friend. The words tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them, and now Cassandra was uncomfortable.

"I'm going back to camp. To have a drink," the warrior informed her. She took two steps backwards, stumbled over a branch, righted herself, and turned to face the camp.

Third time was the charm - now it was Trevelyan making someone seek oblivion in drink, not the other way around. She could live with that.

* * *

 

They were back at Skyhold for some time when Alissa found herself walking the battlements to Cullen's office, intending to drag him out to dinner. It frustrated her to no end how he could forget his meals. When she was with him, she made it a point to remind him to eat, or better yet, to witness him eating. When she was gone, those of her companions who remained behind were tasked with forcing him to take breaks from work and get some nourishment.

"I hope you're hungry," she called out, opening the doors to his office. "Today we're having..." Her voice failed for a moment when she saw a peach, a definitely ripe peach, sitting on Cullen's desk. "Was Sera here?"

"Yes, she was. How do you know?" Cullen asked.

"The peach," Trevelyan stated simply, closing the doors behind herself and watching color rise to her lover's cheeks.

"How do you...? Did you send her?" Cullen was beet red at this point.

"Send?" Alissa wasn't sure what he meant for a second. "No! Very much no," she assured him when she understood.

"So you didn't wish her to instruct me on the finer points of..." Cullen trailed off, sweeping his hand to indicate Trevelyan and then the peach.

"I'd never. You don't need that."

"If you're unhappy, unsatisfied..." Cullen looked pained saying this. "I could learn. I could... But Sera..." He made a hopeless shrug.

Trevelyan walked up to him, placing a hand on his cheek.

"I'm happy, truly. You don't need any tutelage. And if you did, which I repeat, you don't, I wouldn't send in Sera."

"You would tell me if you wanted something, if I weren't doing something right, wouldn't you?" Cullen asked, looking her straight in the face.

"Of course I would. But I wouldn't think you'd have any doubts about my contentment. Not with the marks I leave on your back or the sounds I make any time we're together."

"You could always do those things to save my pride," he said under his breath.

"That would be lying, and I don't lie to you. My joy is always true." She smiled at him reassuringly.

"So how did you know about Sera and the peach?" Cullen questioned.

Alissa laughed lightly.

"She asked me if I wanted her to teach you some things. She doesn't have faith in Chantry boy's skills and eagerness to please. I declined. I don't know about any other Chantry boys but you need no lessons."

"Lessons maybe not, but practice is always advised with any skill." Cullen grinned at her, lifting her up and placing her on the desk.

Before Trevelyan could respond, the doors to her Commander's office fell open.

"Alissa?" Dorian sounded surprised. "I wasn't expecting you here. Am I interrupting?" he asked with a smirk.

"What is it Dorian?" Trevelyan questioned, getting of the desk.

"Nothing. Nothing important. I will return later."

Now that she was facing him, Alissa noticed that he was hiding something, something that looked suspiciously like a...

"Is that a cucumber in your pocket or were you just happy to see Cullen?" she asked.

"That? Oh, I was just enjoying a light snack after dinner. Vegetables, very healthy," Dorian answered, trying to sound nonchalant.

"How many cucumbers can one man eat?" Trevelyan continued, not sure if she was annoyed or amused to see the number of vegetables he had with him.

"Many. Very many. They're just great. I'll go and devote my full attention to them. Alissa, Cullen." Dorian inclined his head and hastily retreated.

"What was _that_ about?" Cullen asked, clearly puzzled.

"Dorian, just like Sera, is full of knowledge he wants to share. He was offering me lessons. And since I declined, he apparently thought he might convince you to convince me to take him on as my teacher," Trevelyan explained.

"Wait. So the cucumbers were..." Cullen seemed incapable of finishing the sentence, the blush that just receded, now making a reappearance.

"Yes. That's what they were. I hope you're not disappointed. That I turned Dorian down."

Now it was Alissa's turn to be uneasy.

"Of course not!" Cullen rushed to reassure her. "You're always great at... I'm always... I'm happy, and you're happy, and our friends should stop with all those unsolicited advice."

"Agreed. But if you ever want me to do something differently, then tell me," Trevelyan said.

"I promise. If I ever want to talk about such things I'll do it while we're in bed, and without the specter of Dorian's cucumbers hanging over us."

Trevelyan laughed.

"Then it's agreed. And now let's go have some dinner. Hopefully without any cucumbers in it."

As it turned out there weren't any cucumbers in the dishes, but for desert they were served peach cobbler.

* * *

 

Trevelyan and Cullen were walking through the courtyard after their meal when the Iron Bull approached them.

"It's good that I caught you two together," he said. "I thought we might talk about..."

"No!" Cullen and Alissa exclaimed at the same time.

"Easy guys. I just wanted to..."

"Thank you..." Trevelyan started.

"...but no thank you," Cullen finished.

"You didn't even let me get to the point." Bull sounded exasperated.

"We've already told Sera and Dorian no, and if Solas has any fascinating tips he's learned through his journeys in the Fade or Blackwall wants to share some Grey Warden stamina secrets then I'm going to turn them down as well," Alissa proclaimed firmly.

"I thought the two of you might want to know a thing or two about ropes, or if you were interested in toys I could introduce you to that one merchant who makes the most inspired..."

"Maker preserve me," Cullen grunted.

"That still a no then?" Bull asked.

"Very decisively no," Trevelyan agreed.

"Suit yourselves." The mercenary shrugged and walked away.

"Do you need a drink as badly as I do?" Cullen asked.

"Maybe more," Alissa told him, making her way to the tavern quickly.

**Author's Note:**

> I never took Blackwall with me on missions so I haven't heard any banter with him, but when I finished the game I listened to the 3,5 hours of combined party banter, and he has a very nice relationship with Sera. If he's courting Josephine, Sera offers to teach him how to pleasure a woman, using a ripe peach. I instantly decided to repurpose this dialogue for Cullen and Alissa. And then I thought that Dorian would probably also have some advice. Thus this story was born.
> 
> Comments and kudos would be great. [my tumblr, if you're interested](%E2%80%9Dthe-lady-or-the-tiger.tumblr.com%E2%80%9D)


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